intimate relationships

All of your intimate relationships depend on your own self-Acceptance

There is much more to intimacy and intimate relationships than sex and the feeling or thought of being “in love”.  Intimate relationships are deep connections offering comfort and satisfaction.  These deep connections can boarder on obsession but it is different from jealousy. 

It is important to know yourself before you embark on the journey of intimacy with others.  When you take the time to be intimate with yourself you discover your likes, dislikes, and tolerances first hand. 

It is essential to know yourself before you enter into an intimate relationship. 

Why?

Because it is not fair to expect another person to complete you, people can only complement you.  People in our life, from relatives to friends to mates, shine like big theater lights revealing our likes, dislikes, and tolerations about ourselves.

When you have an intimate relationship with yourself you will notice admirable traits in potential mates. 

Normally what attract us to someone are the exact characteristics that we are lacking in ourselves.  For example, if you are reserved and shy chance are high that you will be attracted to someone that’s outgoing and the life of the party. 

This is not only because opposites attract but also because “the grass always looks greener on the other side”.

Most people secretly desire traits that are opposite of their own. 

For example, one of the clients I coach, lets call him Stan, is extremely shy.  He desires nothing more than to be more outgoing.  Stan makes up for his shyness by hanging out with guys who are at the opposite end of the spectrum.  He also engages in intimate relationships with women who are loud and outspoken. 

In the beginning of the relationship Stan see value in the friendship and admire the personality differences.  After awhile those same opposite traits begin to build a rift between Stan and his friends.  The rift is created because neither person understands how to appreciate and compliment the other’s behavior. 

Stan is working on taking control of his feelings by learning his likes, dislikes and tolerances.  I am working with Stan on developing inner intimacy by first knowing and accepting who he truly is and second embracing differences in others. 

He also engages in intimate relationships with women who are loud and outspoken. 

In the beginning of the relationship Stan see value in the friendship and admire the personality differences. 

After awhile those same opposite traits begin to build a rift between Stan and his friends. 

The rift is created because neither person understands how to appreciate and compliment the other’s behavior. 

Stan is working on taking control of his feelings by learning his likes, dislikes and tolerances. 

I am working with Stan on developing inner intimacy by first knowing and accepting who he truly is and second embracing differences in others. 
It is possible to have a successful relationship with a person who possess personality traits that are opposite from yours only if you are willing to learn from that person. 

You must embrace these differences. 

You can only accomplish this if you first have an intimate relationship with yourself.  Life can begin a quest to experience new things and create your ideal personality. 

So who do you want to become?

Remember that all of those cute little things your partner did when you first met will begin to annoy and irritate you after a few years or even months if you are not in tune with your own likes, dislikes and tolerations. 

It is not only a disservice to yourself but also to your mate if you don’t spend quality time getting to know you before you get into an intimate relationship. 

When you enter into a relationship you are agreeing to get to know someone more intimately.  The nature of most relationships causes us to become so intertwined in the world of the other person that we have a tendency to put our own needs, desires and dreams on the back-burner.  But if you have an intimate relationship with yourself first then there is a stronger likelihood that your goals will intertwine more readily with your mate’s goals.

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Life Coaching Moment

Here are some specific things you can do to have a more intimate relationship with yourself

1. One thing that I wish I could still have or do that I enjoyed as a child is _____________.


2. I really disliked doing _____________ as a child and am glad that I am an adult and don’t have to do that any more unless I choose too.


3. Imagine that every person in the world had to display a public motto that described their purpose in life or who they would like to become.  Imagine that every time you signed your name you had to also write your motto.  Anyone who knows you knows your motto also.
What would your motto say?  How would you like to describe your personality? When you introduce yourself to someone new, imagine if it was customary to say your name and motto.  What would your statement be?

Here is mine: My name is Tiffany.  I help people create their tomorrow(s) by dealing with their feeling, thoughts and disappointments of today. 

Now you try it:
My name is _____________.  I help people __________________________ or
My name is ___________ my purpose in life is to _____________________ or
My name is ___________. I am ________________________________.

Note: Your personal motto should be less than 15 words.  It should be positive and written like you have already accomplished it.  Don’t say I would like to be a better wife.  Say, my name is ____ and I am a great wife.  What ever you are working on becoming should be your statement.
 
4. Recite your motto daily.  For a challenge share your motto with family and friends.

Life Coaching Moment BONUS:
5. Bonus: For 90 days keep a journal that list 3 positive thoughts or feelings you experienced and 3 negative thoughts or feelings that you experienced.  Do not write things that other people did that you liked or disliked but write how those things made you feel.  (For example: I felt loved and appreciated when Maurice complimented my cooking.  Or I felt disrespected when the waitress didn’t return to my table.)


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